Vent March 2006

VENT March 2006
By Chris Carney
(Writing as John Coctosnossin)

My constant observation of people, places and things have made me aware that we’ve become a country of self absorbed, shallow wannabes. Whether it’s the plague of reality TV (Dancing with the Stars is a hit for God’s sake) or the explosion of plastic surgery disasters (just watch Nip/Tuck for the terrifying, if unlikely possibilities); America is a collective victim of the Look at Me Syndrome.

Celebrities, and their professional stalkers (paparazzi) aside; the Look at Me Syndrome, commonly known as LMS, has overrun the mainstream of our once modest society. And to date there is no cure.

Common symptoms of LMS include, but are not limited to, unnecessarily loud cars that buzz, crackle and boom; fake boobs that defy the forces of gravity and reality; monster trucks that mask physical inadequacies; huge bug eye sunglasses that eat ones face; shirts so tight that ribs, nipples and beer guts are all free for the ogling; shorts and sweatpants that advertise (often falsely) the properties of ones ass (52” of Juicy, shiver); tattoos inked under the influence of alcohol and cliché (please no more cat paw breast tattoos or tribal band blandness) and t-shirts that make impossible demands (Stop Staring! plastered across a pair of a newly purchased Double Ds).

LMS is a serious ailment that can lead to family strife, ruined credit and barely remembered hookups. Those afflicted are like addicts, constantly in search of their next fix.

It is also highly likely that someone close to you is a victim of LMS. So what are you, as a loving, caring, or just plain disgusted, friend, lover, sister, brother, mother, father or random bystander to do? A well delivered slap to the bloated ego of the LMS victim is always a good start, but it must go much, much further than that. We must discourage the ailment by praising real accomplishments and exhibitions of actual talent (and no, having nice hair is not a talent).

It seems we’ve lost our ability to be noticed, praised and respected for actual skills, aptitude and inventiveness. As a society we have reduced our expectations to the lowest absurd denominator. We must tackle LMS head on, or the world as we know it will soon come to an unpleasant, but probably ravishingly attractive end.

As the sage Derek Zoolander once said, “There has got to be more to life than just being, really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking.” Till we discover what that is, this gorgeous hunk of a wordsmith will be staring at himself in the mirror, primping his hair and dreaming of his manhood enhancing monster truck.

Published in I.O. Magazine January 2006