Mind Over Matter

Criss Angel Believe melds disparate parts into amazing whole

By Chris Carney

Criss Angel Believe Where: Luxor When: 7 & 9:30 p.m. Tues.-Sat. Cost: $59 and up Info: (866) 80-SHOWS For the greatest magicians of any era, the real power in illusions is not how they are accomplished but the nature and depth of the emotional response they generate in the audience. Wonder and awe, the prickling of hair on necks and forearms, the collective intake of breath and cheers of surprise are all the foods upon which the master illusionists dine. These are also the emotional endgames that the acrobatic wizards and dance phenoms of Cirque du Soleil seek with every performance of every show. Beginning with Mystère, swimming through "O," baring flesh in Zumanity, lighting the world on fire in KÀ and re-imagining the music of The Beatles in Love, Cirque du Soleil has long reached the very edges of the possible and pushed through to new worlds. One need not possess the power of foresight to predict that the world of magic and the world of Cirque du Soleil would come together like dark soulmates. Yet the mysteries of both mix in a most unexpected manner in Criss Angel Believe. The show loosely explores the inner workings of a Victorian noble's dark dreams, one populated by an assortment of bizarre and amazing creatures and creations. Best known for his TV show Mindfreak, the magician has a long-standing love aff air with the ultra-dramatic illusion. Whether he levitates himself through the Luxor's light beam, cuts himself in half before a live audience or blows himself up in a C4-laden crate, only to emerge unscathed and well-primped, Angel never skimps on the theatrics. Billed as the co-writer, illusions designer and creator, original concept creator and, of course, star, Angel says that the seeds of Believe go back more than 15 years. It can be said that the show is the culmination of an obsession long germinated that has finally emerged as the dark fl ower of Believe. Why would Cirque du Soleil change its recipe for success by creating a star-fronted show? Conversely, why would Angel agree to enter the realm of choreography and costumes, where the attentive audience's eye may wander to other performers? The answer lies at the very heart of what Cirque du Soleil and Angel are all about. "Expect the unexpected, because this show is beyond even my wildest fantasy," Angel said. Believe may not be your typical Cirque du Soleil production, but it encapsulates its philosophy, a philosophy long held by Angel as well: Never be satisfied with what has already been done, search out new directions, new experiences and always challenge expectations. This is the message, the true purpose of both Angel and Cirque du Soleil. Create something unseen, something organic that grows and changes with every performance. Create something vast, panoramic and dazzling. Believe strives with every performance to do just that. Published in Las Vegas Magazine 10-25-09

New Memories Arise

New Memories Arise

Latest tour bringing new generation into U2 fold

By Chris Carney

U2 Where:Sam Boyd Stadium Cost: $30 and up When: 7 p.m. Oct. 23 Info: (877) 522-8499 Music has long been an emotional linchpin humans use to define their memories. A long-forgotten song can fling one years, or even decades, into the past, dropping us in a time thought forever gone. While any song can act as time machine, there are those musicians who have mastered – unconsciously, perhaps – the ability to create a mass migration to times and places long thought forgotten. These bands stand the test of time, lasting decades and remaining relevant long after countless one-hit wonders and short-term musical obsessions have faded into obscurity. Over the last 33 years, few bands have done this more than U2. Perhaps "New Year's Day" takes you to a crowded bus en route to a rain-soaked 5K or "Bullet the Blue Sky" catapults you to the streets of London and a first kiss. Whatever your personal journey may be, U2 has always been, and will continue to be, a band of memories. Formed in 1976 in Dublin, Ireland, U2 was different from the start. For them, music was more than girls, money and fame. For U2 music is spiritual. Irish Catholics by upbringing, U2 have long been deeply moved by the world beyond the physical. They've entered the world of the soul, world of the mind, world of memory. So perhaps it is no coincidence that they've recently embarked on their 360º Tour. It seems that U2 is coming full circle and dreaming of memories past. Published in Las Vegas Magazine 10-18-09

Good Rounds, Good Sounds

Golf tourney, concert back up Shriners' charitable work

By Chris Carney

The Shriners have long been known for their dedication to charitable causes, and no cause rises higher in profile and good deed than the Shriners Hospitals for Children, which have provided free medical treatment for children for nearly a century. Yet the Shriners, despite their roots in antiquity, are no stick-in- the-mud social fraternity. A glance at the snazzy red fezzes proudly donned by their miniature-car-driving members quickly shreds that illusion. So it is of little surprise that they are teaming up with singer/actor Justin Timberlake, a man well known for both his sense of humor, outgoing personality and dedication to charitable causes. He brings his considerable celebrity to the 2009 Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospitals for Children Open Championship Pro-Am, a charitable golf tourney running from Oct. 12-18 at TPC Summerlin in Las Vegas. It's a week of fun, golf and parties dedicated to helping the Shriners Hospitals for Children, often dubbed the World's Greatest Charity. Joining Timberlake at this year's event are several pro golfers, including 2008 returning champion Marc Turnesa. Kenny Perry, Heath Slocum and Jason Dufner, all ranked in the Top 10 in the FedEx Cup point standings, are also competing. LPGA pro Natalie Gulbis challenges the boys on equal footing and don't be surprised if she gives them a run for the charity's money. A bevy of celebrity players also joins Timberlake on the links. This year's crop includes metal god, and an avid Merlin of the greens, Alice Cooper, soul legend Smokey Robinson, saxophone maestro Kenny G and poker masters Phil Hellmuth and Daniel Negreanu. Timberlake is playing alongside Oklahoma State University sophomore Rickie Fowler, who is making his professional PGA Tour debut. But don't believe for a second that just because this tournament is all about fun and charity, the competition is not fierce. Although players don't gain FedEx Cup points for their performance on the greens, the event is a fully accredited PGA Tour event. Joining the Shriners are numerous corporate sponsors including Coca-Cola, Rain Cosmetics and Fiji Water. Yet, you do not need to be a celebrity or massive corporation to contribute. Buying tickets to the tourney and volunteering are just two ways to pitch in. Head to jtshrinersopen.com for more information on what you can do to help. But the charitable largesse does not end there. Not content to tap celebrity power and dollars from the world of golf, Timberlake performs at Mandalay Bay at 8 p.m. on Oct. 17. Like the golf tournament, he won't be alone when he takes the stage. He'll have friends to back him up, including Alicia Keys, Ciara, Snoop Dogg, Taylor Swift and TLC. These stars will help bring much-needed attention to a cause that may not have previously been on their fans' radar. For the children who benefit from the Pro-Am and concert, Justin Timberlake and the Shriners are a match very much made in an earthly heaven. No word yet on whether Timberlake will sport a red fez or drive the wee little car, but if his and the Shriners previously shown love of pomp, fun and good-natured humor shine through, we may very well be given one more gift to complete a great week. Published in Las Vegas Magazine 10-11-09

Craig Ferguson

All-Night Laughs

Talk-show host really will catch you later

By Chris Carney

Craig Ferguson Where: MGM Grand When: 9 p.m., Oct. 23-29 Cost: $69.85 and up Info: (866) 80-SHOWS Perhaps it was inevitable talent or a stroke of luck, but Craig Ferguson may just be the most popular Scotsman in America. A writer, comedian, actor, director, talk show host, musician and all-around funny chap, Ferguson is best known as the host of CBS's The Late, Late Show. Born in Glasgow, Ferguson's first foray into the world of entertainment was as the drummer of the punk band Bastards From Hell. Although short-lived, the band was a hint at the future Ferguson would seek, that of the maverick pop humorist. The Late, Late Show is only his most recent success. He spent years as Drew Carey's TV boss, has written and directed several movies and even guest-starred on the seminal British comedy show Red Dwarf. Ferguson has quickly become a master of observational humor. He mixes pop and high culture with a slick delivery and a deep core of Scottish sensibilities that make this new American citizen a fave on air and on tour. Join him when he pops into town for a week of shows at MGM Grand. Published in Las Vegas Magazine 10-19-08

Lenny Kravitz

His Time Has Come

Powerful vibe always shines

By Chris Carney

Lenny Kravitz Where: The Pearl at Palms When: 8 p.m. Jan. 20 Cost: $35-$45 plus tax and fee Info: (702) 474-4000 If you follow the theory that actions speak louder than words then Lenny Kravitz is a giant among men. He has achieved many of the hallmarks of success, including four consecutive Grammy Awards from 1998-2001 and the most coveted bit of resume bling around, a guest spot on The Simpsons. His music, like his life, is a fusion of multiple styles, influences and interests. A self-confessed retro artist, Kravitz's music mixes elements of rock, funk, soul, psychedelia and folk in a style that is truly his own. Kravitz is a multiple instrument master, playing nearly all the guitar, bass, drums, keyboards and percussion on his albums. He's written for Madonna, produced for Cree Summer and Vanessa Paradis and sat shotgun alongside Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler and Stevie Wonder. But it is onstage where his power, energy and charisma really shine. His live shows feel exactly like the crazy hair-twirling raucousness of his videos, complete with ear-shredding guitar licks, deeply guttural vocals and blazing lights sure to cause spots for days. Published in Las Vegas Magazine 1-13-08

Not Pitchy At All

Not Pitchy At All

Contestants are all winners in celebratory tour

By Chris Carney

Not content with dominating the digital domain within your television, the marketing gurus behind the juggernaut Fox hit American Idol are sending their young ingénues on a massive summer tour. Featuring all of the top 10 finalists, including winner David Cook and runner-up David Archuleta, this year's tour takes the postseason road trip to even higher levels.

This year's tour, American Idols Live! 2008, features a whopping 53 shows in just over three months and will continue some of the innovations integrated into this past season, including instrumental performances by some of the contestants. Like previous tours, the 2008 version will feature many of the songs that helped the final 10 secure their place in Idol lore, along with new combinations and new songs. Without the tense environment of competition, the Idols will be free to enjoy themselves, and the camaraderie it engenders will shine through.

Who will shine? Who will go on to further fame and fortune? Who will go on to careers beyond American Idol? All these questions will be answered this summer.

No word yet on whether Simon Cowell and his cronies will hog the best seats and continue their harsh, energetic commentaries.

Published in Las Vegas Magazine 06-29-08

What Was Old Is Nou (Published)

What Was Old Is Nou

The Birth of Nouveau Burlesque

By Chris Carney

Burlesque surged to popularity during the Victorian Era as a panacea for all the ills foisted on the lower classes. Mores had become stilted, sexuality taboo and the aristocracy aloof. Combining ribald humor, mocking imitations of the upper crust and, of course, glimpses of the female form, burlesque competed with vaudeville. Often known for spoofing opera, Shakespearian drama and ballet, burlesque was popular well into the 20th century. To the surprise of many, burlesque wasn't a taboo institution. Some of the great, early movie stars got their start in burlesque. Mae West used the lessons learned to turn heads and get laughs in her later "legitimate" career. W.C. Fields, Red Skelton and Abbott and Costello perfected their humor alongside gorgeous, barely clothed women. (Talk about working through distraction! Thank the Maker they refrained from taking part in the art of the tease.) With the advent of movies, burlesque faded. Then came World War II and the culturally stilted '50s. Sexuality went underground once more, only to be unleashed with a fury in the '60s and '70s. Mores were smothered under the mountain of quick-money greed in the '80s, and the '90s brought a sense of exploration and an ardor for things "old school." People became nostalgic for the glitz, the glamour and the tease lost in the "free sex" era and repressed once more by the era of AIDS. Thus, nouveau burlesque was born. The tease was safe. The tease was titillating. The tease was back. Troupes formed in New York and Los Angeles, but it wasn't till Sin City grasped hold that nouveau burlesque joined its older sister as a force of nature. Where lace, satin and the odd bit of leather may stir tantalizing memories, the true masters of the tease are these priestesses of the born-again art of burlesque. Come, join our expedition into their temples of temptation to find that the old is new once more. CRAZY GIRLS: Glistening at you in print ads, perched atop the cab you took from the airport and dominating the skyline, there they are, lying in wait to climb down and engage in some kind of Godzilla-inspired battle of sexiness before returning to their billboard lair. Head over to the Riviera where you can fondle the cast of girls' bronzed backsides for luck, something that's become a tradition at the Riv. Just make sure it's the statue you're grabbing. FANTASY: Deep in the pyramid of Luxor, intrepid explorers of all things risqu� will come across the girls of Fantasy, who bring the art of imaginative sensuality to its limits, while engaging in some of the most classic "fantasies," including sexy secret agent, workplace romance and lusting after the cowboy. Choreographed by Cris Judd, Fantasy's mix of seduction, singing and comedy is best for couples. FOLIES BERGERE: This show is the classics of classics. Some sort of Folies probably appeared onstage about the time cavemen began to realize that they no longer needed to club their women. A quick mastodon ride earned them a night of sensual bliss unseen in their dank caves. The Las Vegas show at the Tropicana is anything but ancient, though. The traditional cancan has never been steamier, the Latin mambo engenders thoughts of running for the border and the gorgeous women remind even the most stalwart of their animal sensuality. LAS VEGAS PUSSYCAT DOLLS: If you haven't drooled over, oops, heard of this gorgeous troupe of hip-shimmying ladies, you might be living in a deep hole (or maybe under a rock in the above-mentioned cave). Representing the newest of the new, the Pussycat Dolls at Caesars Palace often have special guests who top every guy's most-lusted-after list, and if it gets too hot, step over to Pure nightclub for a cool cocktail. IVAN KANE'S FORTY DEUCE/ROYAL JELLY: This one's a twofer, as the show changes depending on which day of the week you're seeking forbidden pleasures. The speakeasy vibe of the Mandalay Bay club drifts about you in slow cigarette-smoke curls. Most nights, you'll be whisked back to the '20s with hot jazz and smoking dancers. Raise the volume on Thursdays when the Forty Deuce goes harder, with Royal Jelly and its blend of live rock 'n' roll and provocative dancing. CRAZY HORSE PARIS: Could you ask for a more titillating experience than MGM Grand's Crazy Horse Paris? After all, the word burlesque, and nouveau for that matter, is French. Inspired by the original and stocked with dangerous beauties, the show at the MGM Grand may just be the quintessential in fantasy. Crazy Horse ain't no strip show. It is art in motion. It is 12 of the most perfect, jaw-dropping beauties, stroked and painted by multicolored lights. The feeling is otherworldly, extra-dimensional and perfect. Nouveau burlesque takes an art form as ancient as man from the fire-lit caves of yore into the high-tech world of light, sound, movement and form. In a world of stilted mores, bad manners and overwrought sensuality, it comes as a savior. It reminds us that patience, the wait and, above all, the tease make life richer, lively and human. Hats off to nouveau! Originally Published in Las Vegas Magazine

What Was Old Is Nou (As Written)

What Was Old is Nou: Nouveau Burlesque
By Chris Carney

You remember your first time. Your hands trembled, your eyes widened to moon sized eclipses and your breathing became the ragged gasping of the beastly. You slapped yourself to check against the dreaming, or if you we’re lucky your alpha did it for you. You reached the brink, the knife-edge between life and something other. Cloth parted, as buttons, zippers and the occasional ill-advised strip of Velcro were prized open. Soft and warm, the fragrant smell of desire reached your nostrils. It drank you in, dousing you in the nervous fire of the forbidden.

Presumably, there have been many sorties since then, some bland and regrettable, others that shattered the rigid definitions of propriety. Yet, lacking forever more is the ozone zap of newness, the ecstatic terror of bumbling across the threshold into grown-up-ville for that initial taste of the beautifully illicit. Once the home run rush of rounding the bases grabbed a hold, the through cloth fondle lost its bite.

Today, celebulloid sex romps, one click pornography and armies of male enhancers smother us under a carpet-bombing of sensory overload. Turgid, we stand at attention, frantic for a release that is ever less satisfactory. Excess has blunted us to the peppery tang of the game plied slowly.

Yet, hidden under our duvet of sexual blasé, perhaps triggered by the idle fondling of a lingerie catalog, is a half remembered craving for the tease.

Where lace, satin and the odd bit of leather may stir tantalizing memoirs of our carnal initiators, the true masters of the tease are the priestesses of the born again art of burlesque. Come; join our expedition into their jungle-cleared temples to find that the old is new once more.



Crazy Girls
You’ve likely already seen these girls thong split assets. Glistening at you in print ads, perched atop the cab you took from the airport, and dominating the skyline, lying in wait to climb down and engage in some kind of Godzilla inspired battle of sexiness before returning to their billboard lair.

Head over to the Riviera where you can fondle the girl’s bronzed backsides for luck. Just make sure it’s the statue you’re grabbing.

Fantasy
Deep in the pyramid of Luxor intrepid explorers of all things risqué will come across the girls of Fantasy who bring the art of imaginative sensuality to its limits, while engaging in some of the most classic “fantasies,” including sexy secret agent, workplace romance and lusting after the cowboy.

Choreographed by the ex Mr. J. Lo, Cris Judd, Fantasy’s mix of seduction, singing and comedy is best for couples.

Follies Bergere
This show is the classics of classics. The Follies first appeared on stage about the time cavemen began to realize that they no longer needed to club their women. A quick mastodon ride to the Tropicana earned them a night of sensual bliss unseen in their dank, dripping caves.

The show is anything but ancient. The traditional Can-Can has never been steamier, the Latin Mambo will engender thoughts of running for the border and the gorgeous women will remind even the most stalwart of their animal sensuality.

Pussycat Doll Club
If you haven’t drooled over, oops, heard of this gorgeous troop of hip shimmying ladies, you’re still living in a deep hole, under a rock in the above mentioned cave, or you’re a stuck up prig.

Representing the newest of the new, The Pussycat Dolls often have special guests that top every guy’s most lusted after list and if it gets to hot step over to Pure for a chilling cocktail.

Ivan Kane’s Forty Deuce/Royal Jelly
This one’s a two-fer, as the show changes depending on which day of the week your seeking forbidden pleasures. The speakeasy vibe drifts about you in slow cigarette smoke curls. Most nights you’ll be whisked back to the 20’s with hot jazz and smoking dancers who almost show the goods.

Raise the volume on Thursday’s when the Forty Deuce goes harder, with Royal Jelly, the edgiest rock n’ roll burlesque show on the strip.

The Black Keys

The Black Keys – Magic Potion
By Chris Carney


Having long been a man who considers himself comfortable with his sexuality I have no problems declaring, loud and proud, for all the world to hear, that I have a huge Man Crush on the Black Keys.

It is a warm assembly of related feelings; pride of discovery, feral excitement from deep within my nethers and maybe a wee bit of jealousy. Then there is the shared surname. Patrick Carney is a beast on the drums, dredging up memories of Keith Moon’s raucous skin beatings, but I find myself pining for a familial connection that does not exist in the real world. Add in the precision guttural howls of Dan Auerbach’s vocals and guitars and you’ll be left doubting that they truly are just two dudes from Akron. Surely so much music cannot come from two guys.

See them live and you’ll realize there is no subterfuge at work. Carney smacks his drums in a near perfect real world imitation of Animal from the Muppets while Auerbach’s guitar centered cavorting causes arm hair chills that spike adrenaline and emotion.

So it was with an embarrassing sense of childlike glee that I tore open their latest album Magic Potion and popped it into the office stereomatic discotron player. Now some may fear their joining up with Warner based Nonesuch records as the inevitable band sellout. Fear not, the edge, the distortion and the near constant danger of redlining your equipment is still there. That is not to say that Magic Potion is not an evolution. Dreading the pigeon hole effect, The Black Keys mix a bit more rock into the melodic blues of previous albums. The lead track “Just Got to Be” beats off the forehead, while “Just a Little Heat” has Auerbach dredging up his inner Muddy Waters with lines like “Why can’t trouble find a new friend?”

All in all, the big label leap seems to have done the boys from Akron well. Magic Potion is simultaneously crisp and fuzzy, hard and melodic and is a well spent $10.

Published in IO Magazine September 2006

Behind the Neon

By Chris Carney

You came to the desert to eat, to gamble and to see a show or two. Bravo to you, that’s what Las Vegas is all about. But beneath the obvious, hidden under the neon glow are little known facts, places and oddities.

What’s in a Name?
Las Vegas is universally acclaimed as The Entertainment Capital of the World, but it sure didn’t start off that way. The dry piece of scrubby desert was named sometime in the 1800’s by the Spanish, who used the spot as a watering post along the Old Spanish Trail that connected Los Angeles with Santa Fe. The name translates as The Meadows. They came for the water, hidden underground in a series of artesian wells.

Aqua Fresca
It all stared with the water and water continues to dominate Sin City. Everywhere you look there is water. Pools reflect sun off topless beauties at Wynn and Caesar’s Palace and cool down hard bodies at the Hard Rock. The most magnificent expression of man’s power over water may just be the fountains at the Bellagio. Long a favorite, the fountains get most of their water not from Lake Mead from the same artesian wells that drew the Spaniards so long ago.

Let There Be Light
Water may be rare in Vegas, but light certainly isn’t. There’s the scorching sun that can top 110 degrees in summer. After sunset the 15,000 miles of neon tubing brighten the Strip and Downtown with a multicolored glow. Most impressive of all is the 30.2 billion lumens light canon atop the Luxor pyramid. To give some context, a very good projection TV clocks in at 1,000 lumens. The beam is so bright it can be seen from the airspace above LA.

Big, Bad Buildings
Where else in the world can you see a pyramid, the Eiffel Tower, a Roman palace, the canals of Venice and the tallest free standing building west of the Mississippi, all without getting out of your cab? Nowhere. Where the originals were built to celebrate dead kings, living Emperors and a revolution, Vegas built them to house revolving restaurants and beds to rest your head for a few hours before the debauchery begins anew.

Beds, Beds and More Beds.
Vegas has lots of beds. The city boasts 15 of the 20 largest hotels on the planet and over 124,000 rooms. And the king of the jungle is the MGM Grand, with a whopping 5,690 rooms and growing. The MGM is the second largest hotel in the world after The First World Hotel in Malaysia. It is so huge, that their linen department washes 15,000 sets of sheets a day.

What Kinda Shop Is This?
Vegas is legendary for shopping. Hidden among the normal and extraordinary are few stores that just make you say Huh? M&M World clearly lands in the category. As does the Barry Manilow store at the Hilton, where you can sing your own rendition of Barry’s top hits to torture your friends. Or accentuate your feminine side with a wig from Serge’s Showgirl Wigs.

Luck Ain’t No Accident
Vegas has many visitors from Asia, but for a time they mucked it up when it came to avoiding unlucky omens. The MGM’s emerald façade was a turnoff to Asian visitors who consider the color to be unlucky. The 80 ft. lion at the entrance also proved to be unlucky and was demolished. But Vegas learned her lessons well. The Wynn has no elevator floors that start with the number 4, deemed unlucky in many Asian cultures.

So avoid bad luck, search out the oasis and slip between the crisp, cool sheets. Just never lose that sense of wonder that Las Vegas exists at all.


Published in Las Vegas Magazine 9-30-07

Tony Danza

Along Came Tony
By Chris Carney

Tony Danza? Wasn’t he that guy from “Who’s the Boss?” Yes he was, but on August 13th when he takes over the role of Max Bialystock, Las Vegas will learn that he has always been much more. A one time professional boxer, talk show host and Emmy nominated actor, Tony is that rarity in modern America, the all around good guy. “Everybody loves Tony,” Mel Brooks once said.

His combination of charm, charisma and warmth even defines his approach to Max. ”I play him a little more likable. I think of him as a rogue charmer.” He knows that he is up to no good, but he just can’t help himself.” Tony feels like Max. Not to suggest that Tony has fallen prey to Max’s less that savory ways, but you know, if he wanted to, he too could swindle elderly widows. He’s just that charming.

He even handles the inevitable comparisons to the Tony (pun probably intended) Award winning portrayal of Max by Nathan Lane with a sly nod. “First off I’m thinner, but what I’m really trying to do Mel Brooks. Max is Mel’s alter ego.”

But Tony has dealt with all of this before. Max is not new to him. For over 100 shows Tony portrayed Max on Broadway, along with Vegas co-stars Lee Roy Reams, Bill Nolte and Madeline Doherty. “I’m so excited, I’ve got the Broadway cast here,” Tony said with a sense of real joy. Despite all the glitz, neon and the heat he must feel a little like he’s come home.

“I’ve never tried to live here. It should be interesting. I’m living in a hotel, which is a first.” There is little doubt that Vegas will find him as interesting and expect him to make The Producer’s one of the hottest tickets on the strip.

In many a way Tony Danza has moved beyond being just an actor, or a talk show host or an all around good guy. Thanks to Phoebe of Friend’s, rendition of the song “Tiny Dancer,” Tony has reached an iconic cult status. So much so that many cannot hear Elton John classic without singing “Hold me close now Tony Danza.”

So now, when you think of Tony Danza, think song and dance man, think iconic cult figure and think I’d like to hang out with that guy. For several months at Paris casino you can do just that.

Published in Las Vegas Magazine 8-26-07

History of the Cup

History of the Cup
By Chris Carney

It is often said that the discovery of fire, the invention of the wheel and the mass marketing of Viagra are among humankind’s crowning achievements. And where these accomplishments have most certainly altered the course of human history (Do you think FDR or Ike would have discussed Erectile Dysfunction on the campaign trail?), they are not the only invention of historical significance.

We must rank another, overlooked, dare I say common, household item on the pearly white pedestal of man’s finest creations. One without whom, we would likely die of dehydration, be forced to rename some of our most hallowed sporting events, have no accurate way of measuring the size of a woman’s breasts or leave the most sensitive, and dangly, bits of the male anatomy at the mercy of any malevolent opponent or stray ball.

I am of course talking about the cup. A simple device on the surface, the origin of the cup, the slim to none chance of its invention/discovery and the effects on the course of history is a story that should be read loud and proud in our most hallowed of learning institutions.

Recently, archaeologists have uncovered the startling history of the cup. And for the first time, in a world exclusive, IO Magazine brings you that story.

Sometime towards the end of the last Ice Age (9800 BC or so) two domicile deprived people of the Earth (cavemen) wandered, cold, hungry and most of all thirstily through the cold wastes of the world. They were Lar and his buddy Atouk (played brilliantly in the 1981 film Caveman by Dennis Quaid and Ringo Starr). Lar and Atouk were thirsty and came across a lovely, lovely stream. They licked their lips and dreamt of the cool water, but became angry upon discovering that they have no way of getting the water from stream to mouth (lacking proper bathroom facilities and antibacterial soap their hands were filthy and therefore unusable).

They wandered and in their thirst induced haze came across a most unusual object. It turned out to be a coconut, most likely carried from the tropics by two African Swallows. While arguing over this talisman of mighty magic, the coconut fell hit a jagged rock and split, revealing two cup like halves. Desperate they used their new tool to re-hydrate themselves, saving their tribe and the entire human race.

Millennia later, at the height of the Roman Empire. It is the 18th of July AD 64 and Emperor Nero as he was want to do, is drunk as a skunk. He is sipping a moonshine like substance his legions have imported from Scotland, from a jewel-encrusted goblet of great beauty. The Great Man has learned a new trick and spits moonshine through a torch and breathing fire like a dragon. Unfortunately the flames engulfed his magnificent curtains. Thus began the Great Fire of Rome, which ended with most of the city devastated. Nearly 2000 years later bartenders get applause, tips and offers of sexual congress for performing the same routine. Way to go Nero!

The cup next shows up whilst King Arthur and his Knights scour Europe for the mystical Holy Grail. These adventures are most accurately retold in the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975), especially the bits about the killer rabbit, the Knights who say Ni and the Castle of Virgins. To these brave knights the cup represented all. Life affirming magic, the grace of God and much, much running away, were all tied into one small, seemingly insignificant cup (seen only in hand drawn, stop motion, holographic form).

In the same part of the world, nearly 1,000 years later a game called Tennis was invented. Mighty warriors would do battle on a field of green, swatting circular missiles at each other with rackets made of catgut. All this hubbub was for a great reward that would one-day lead to the hallowed Davis Cup.

Not satisfied with this simple method of warfare the cup also had a hand in the noble game of golf, wherein men, and later women, would smack a ball around with a long stick, all in the hopes of sinking it in a little cup. The reward for excellence in this activity range from million dollar purses, to odd colored jackets, to endorsement deals with Buick. Is it coincidence that goal of this game is the same function provided by another variety of cup?

The jock strap, athletic supporter and cup are all essential bits of equipment for every teenage boy. Fully part of an ancient, often humiliating, coming of age ritual the use of a cup to protect the newly descended, male reproductive organs has had a long reaching affect on the human race. Imagine the NFL without the Manning brothers. Had Archie not been a devotee of the athletic cup, we may never have been graced with his son’s greatness.

Not satisfied with ensuring the reproductive survival of the human race, the cup also allows men to rate, average and measure the quality of a potential mate. Sure we could look at intelligence, honesty, purity, kindness and various other aspects of the wonderful package that is woman, but men are pigs and it’s often, and usually initially, about the boobs. Without the cup size we could not accurately gauge this shallow, yet seemingly all important, anatomical measurement, and thousands of plastic surgeons around the world would be forced to practice actual medicine.

And finally we return to the original reason for the invention of the cup, drinking. And we must marvel, again, at the slim to none chance of Lar and Atouk’s “invention.” As St. Patrick’s Day approaches, we should hold our pints of Guinness (ban that green beer crap) aloft, praise our ancestors and pour a bit of our frothy, tasty beverage onto the ground as a homage to the debt we owe our ancient brethren.

Published in I.O. Magazine March 2006

Bill Maher

Keeping it Real
By Chris Carney

This guy became famous, or more likely infamous, after getting fired from his ABC show Politically Incorrect for being, umm, politically incorrect.

We could debate the political ramifications of his firing. You may believe that he is Un-American and deserved to be fired, or that by expressing his opinion, regardless of how controversial or edgy it was, he defined what it means to be American.

Don’t feel too bad though, as Maher managed to parlay his wit, intelligence and humor into a gig hosting Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO, a venue much better suited to his fiery opinions and off the cuff sense of humor than stilted network TV.

You may love him or hate him, but one truth rings true, he won’t bore you. In a world where most media outlets “tell” you what to think, inducing divisiveness and distrust, Maher forces you think. He doesn’t ask you to agree with him, just to have an educated opinion.

With Real Time on hiatus, Maher has taken to the road to spread his political satire to the masses. You may nod your head in agreement or shake your fist in disgust, but one thing is sure, you’ll laugh and learn.

Published in Las Vegas Magazine 9-30-07

Kings of Leon

Preaching to the Choir
By Chris Carney

It seems increasingly frequent that Europe falls in love with American bands before we even know they exist. Kings of Leon, the three brothers Followill and a cousin to boot, define this enigma. Their latest album, “Because of the Times,” debuted at #1 on the UK music charts, their live performances earned them a second billing at the perennial juggernaut Glastonbury Festival in 2004 and they’ve sold out an end of the year, all arena tour in the UK.

Don’t fret quite yet though. For once being Johnny-come-lately may just be a boon. Unlike our friends across the pond, we get to enjoy Kings of Leon in small, intimate venues like The Joint at the Hard Rock. Ask any frequent concert goer and they’ll tell you smaller is definitely better.

The puzzle grows ever deeper as the depths of these Nashville twang-rockers are plumbed. While most kids were learning their ABC’s, the family Followill, went nomadic, touring the Bible Belt in a purple ’88 Oldsmobile alongside Pentecostal preacher father Leon.

Anachronism not only defines their nature it defines their music. Kings of Leon are full on musical missionaries. Catch their lyrical ministry now and you can say you knew them when the message was still young.

Published in Las Vegas Magazine 9-9-07

Vent May 2006

VENT May 2006
By Chris Carney
(Writing as John Coctosnossin)

I am a historian by education and a food service engineer by trade. Both roles have taught me much about human nature. I’ve found much to praise, much to decry and to no surprise, to anybody who knows me, much to be annoyed by.

Crouched at the top of this list, ably playing the role of scavenging vulture of the human spirit, are those incapable of original thought. I’m talking about the yes man, the fashion slave, the religious fanatic, the corporate radio apologist, the political party zealot and any other of our fellow upright apes that let others tell them what to think without question, thought or debate.

Debate is essential to democracy. This is why the founding fathers wrote our constitution the way they did. They understood that in a truly free society the ability to think and speak ones mind is essential.

So when I hear demagogues and professional yellers like Chris Matthews and Bill O’Reilly, spouting their canned, packaged and artificially sweetened versions of patriotism I become enraged. To them, it seems, patriotism is blindly following those in power, while waving the flag without knowledge of what it means. Sadly patriotism is not that easy. If it were we’d still be living in the imaginary greatness of the mythic 50’s. Sadly true patriotism is hard and it requires knowledge, commitment and above all, original thought.

We live in the greatest country in the world. Conservatives know this. Liberals know this. Republicans, Democrats and Independents of all stripes know this. So I call for a truce. Let Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coultier stop endorsing the genocide of liberals. Let Al Franken and Michael Moore stop calling conservatives stupid liars.

And to all of us little people out there, the historians, the food service engineers and all the rest, start thinking for yourself. Turn of Fox News and read the independent press. Turn off the national radio jabber kings and listen to your local talk shows. Put down the New York Times and read the foreign press. Find other sources of information, read and listen and watch all you can and then make up your own mind.

Trust me if we do this you’ll learn a lot, and it will be much harder for those in charge who want to keep us all ignorant, bored and afraid, to steal our country from us all.

Published in I.O. Magazine May 2006