History of the Cup

History of the Cup
By Chris Carney

It is often said that the discovery of fire, the invention of the wheel and the mass marketing of Viagra are among humankind’s crowning achievements. And where these accomplishments have most certainly altered the course of human history (Do you think FDR or Ike would have discussed Erectile Dysfunction on the campaign trail?), they are not the only invention of historical significance.

We must rank another, overlooked, dare I say common, household item on the pearly white pedestal of man’s finest creations. One without whom, we would likely die of dehydration, be forced to rename some of our most hallowed sporting events, have no accurate way of measuring the size of a woman’s breasts or leave the most sensitive, and dangly, bits of the male anatomy at the mercy of any malevolent opponent or stray ball.

I am of course talking about the cup. A simple device on the surface, the origin of the cup, the slim to none chance of its invention/discovery and the effects on the course of history is a story that should be read loud and proud in our most hallowed of learning institutions.

Recently, archaeologists have uncovered the startling history of the cup. And for the first time, in a world exclusive, IO Magazine brings you that story.

Sometime towards the end of the last Ice Age (9800 BC or so) two domicile deprived people of the Earth (cavemen) wandered, cold, hungry and most of all thirstily through the cold wastes of the world. They were Lar and his buddy Atouk (played brilliantly in the 1981 film Caveman by Dennis Quaid and Ringo Starr). Lar and Atouk were thirsty and came across a lovely, lovely stream. They licked their lips and dreamt of the cool water, but became angry upon discovering that they have no way of getting the water from stream to mouth (lacking proper bathroom facilities and antibacterial soap their hands were filthy and therefore unusable).

They wandered and in their thirst induced haze came across a most unusual object. It turned out to be a coconut, most likely carried from the tropics by two African Swallows. While arguing over this talisman of mighty magic, the coconut fell hit a jagged rock and split, revealing two cup like halves. Desperate they used their new tool to re-hydrate themselves, saving their tribe and the entire human race.

Millennia later, at the height of the Roman Empire. It is the 18th of July AD 64 and Emperor Nero as he was want to do, is drunk as a skunk. He is sipping a moonshine like substance his legions have imported from Scotland, from a jewel-encrusted goblet of great beauty. The Great Man has learned a new trick and spits moonshine through a torch and breathing fire like a dragon. Unfortunately the flames engulfed his magnificent curtains. Thus began the Great Fire of Rome, which ended with most of the city devastated. Nearly 2000 years later bartenders get applause, tips and offers of sexual congress for performing the same routine. Way to go Nero!

The cup next shows up whilst King Arthur and his Knights scour Europe for the mystical Holy Grail. These adventures are most accurately retold in the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975), especially the bits about the killer rabbit, the Knights who say Ni and the Castle of Virgins. To these brave knights the cup represented all. Life affirming magic, the grace of God and much, much running away, were all tied into one small, seemingly insignificant cup (seen only in hand drawn, stop motion, holographic form).

In the same part of the world, nearly 1,000 years later a game called Tennis was invented. Mighty warriors would do battle on a field of green, swatting circular missiles at each other with rackets made of catgut. All this hubbub was for a great reward that would one-day lead to the hallowed Davis Cup.

Not satisfied with this simple method of warfare the cup also had a hand in the noble game of golf, wherein men, and later women, would smack a ball around with a long stick, all in the hopes of sinking it in a little cup. The reward for excellence in this activity range from million dollar purses, to odd colored jackets, to endorsement deals with Buick. Is it coincidence that goal of this game is the same function provided by another variety of cup?

The jock strap, athletic supporter and cup are all essential bits of equipment for every teenage boy. Fully part of an ancient, often humiliating, coming of age ritual the use of a cup to protect the newly descended, male reproductive organs has had a long reaching affect on the human race. Imagine the NFL without the Manning brothers. Had Archie not been a devotee of the athletic cup, we may never have been graced with his son’s greatness.

Not satisfied with ensuring the reproductive survival of the human race, the cup also allows men to rate, average and measure the quality of a potential mate. Sure we could look at intelligence, honesty, purity, kindness and various other aspects of the wonderful package that is woman, but men are pigs and it’s often, and usually initially, about the boobs. Without the cup size we could not accurately gauge this shallow, yet seemingly all important, anatomical measurement, and thousands of plastic surgeons around the world would be forced to practice actual medicine.

And finally we return to the original reason for the invention of the cup, drinking. And we must marvel, again, at the slim to none chance of Lar and Atouk’s “invention.” As St. Patrick’s Day approaches, we should hold our pints of Guinness (ban that green beer crap) aloft, praise our ancestors and pour a bit of our frothy, tasty beverage onto the ground as a homage to the debt we owe our ancient brethren.

Published in I.O. Magazine March 2006