Vent January 2006

VENT January 2006
By Chris Carney
(Writing as John Coctosnossin)





January 2006
Another New Year’s Eve has come and gone. Left behind is the one night a year when everyone is compelled to imbibe copious amounts of beverages. Gone are the inhibitions, ethics and morality that guides us the rest of the year.

For one night we are allowed, no expected, to throw away centuries of civilized behavior. We devolve into primal man in the hope that when we wake we’ll have to re-introduce ourselves to the naked body sharing the bed, grab our underwear of the ceiling fan and use our GPS to find out where the hell we are. And hopefully we’ll have the day off to recover.

New Year’s Eve. Hedonism’s holiday. Was it fun? I hope so, cuz now comes THE NEW YEARS RESOLUTION.

Oh Crap! There’s so many things that TV says is wrong with me. I’m fat, drooping and wrinkled. I need to read more better, earn my degree online and become a devotee of a celebrity endorsed pseudo-religion. My girl wants my hair to grow back and my manhood to work better. Oh the pressure!

A week later I’ve given up . And why? Cuz all that crap is tough. I’m American. I like things to be easy, pain free and quick. Oh if someone could just invent a pill, a system or some kind of apparatus that would cure all my ills.

(Snappy Advertising Jingle) INTRODUCING … The Hollywood Instant Fixotron System. In just 14 pain free days you too can have six pack abs, regrow hair, cure impotence, increase your sex drive, burn fat, scour your intestinal track and freshen your breath. Comes in two flavors: fresh mint and halibut. Endorsed by doctors you’ve never heard of and manufactured by a company that will soon be indicted. So act quick and you too can be one of the beautiful people.

This has been a paid advertisement for The Hollywood Instant Fixotron System. Patent Rejected. Claims Disproved. 2006.

Published in I.O. Magazine January 2006
____________________________________________________________________


____________________________________________________________________